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Last edit of this page 09/02/2011
I found this article in CLOSE RELATIONSHIPS RESEARCH: A RESOURCE FOR COUPLE AND FAMILY THERAPISTS Journal of Marital and Family Therapy, Jan 2004 by Hendrick, Susan S. and retrieved this version from findarticles.com on 04/09/08Love Styles
Introduction
Love styles grew out of close relationships research. Clearly we each express parts of each style to some degree and this mix will vary in expression across relationships and over time. Reaching for another or opposite style may characterise otherwise inexplicable choices of affair partner in a marital infidelity or partner poaching.
The six styles are called
- Eros: My partner and I have the right physical chemistry between us
- Ludus: I believe that what my partner doesn't know about me wont hurt him/her.
- Storge: Our love is the best kind because it grew out of a long friendship.
- Pragma: A main consideration in choosing my partner was how he/she would reflect on my family.
- Mania: When my partner doesn't pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.
- Agape: I would rather suffer myself than let my partner suffer.
- More detail about each following the questions below.
The original love style questionnaire items are below.
Directions
Listed below are several statements that reflect different attitudes about love. For each statement fill in the blank using the response that indicates how much you agree or disagree with that statement. The items refer to a specific love relationship.
The 6 styles are marked A to F in the questionnaire, corresponding to the order above Eros to Agape.
Whenever possible, answer the questions with your current partner in mind. If you are not currently dating anyone, answer the questions with your most recent partner in mind. If you have never been in love, answer in terms of what you think your responses would most likely be. There is no right or wrong answers - we each carry traits from the different styles of love.
For each question score the following:
(1) Strongly Agree, (2) Moderately Agree, (3) Neutral- neither Agree or Disagree, (4) Moderately Disagree, and (5) Strongly Disagree
Love Style A:_____________________
____ My partner and I were attracted to each other immediately after we first met.
_____My partner and I have the right physical chemistry between us.
____ Our lovemaking is intense and satisfying.
_____I feel that my partner and I were meant for each other.
_____My partner and I became emotionally involved rather quickly.
_____My partner and I really understand each other.
_____My partner fits my ideal standards for physical beauty/ handsomeness.
Love Style B:_____________________
____ I try to keep my partner a little uncertain about my commitment to him/her.
____ I believe that what my partner does not know about me wont hurt him/her.
____ I have sometimes had to keep my partner from finding out about other partners.
____ I could get over my affair with my partner pretty easily and quickly.
____ My partner would get upset if he/she knew some of things I've done with others.
_____When my partner gets too dependent on me, I want to back off a little.
_____I enjoy playing the game of love with my partner and a number of other partners.
Love Style C:_____________________
____ It is hard for me to say exactly when our friendship turned into love.
____ To be genuine, our love first required caring for a while.
____ I expect to always be friends with my partner.
____ Our love is the best kind because it grew out of a long friendship.
____ Our friendship merged gradually into love over time.
____ Our love is really a deep friendship, not a mysterious, mystical emotion.
____ Our love relationship is the most satisfying because it developed from a good friendship.
Love Style D:_____________________
____ I considered why my partner what my partner was going to become in life before I committed myself to him/her.
____ I tried to plan my life carefully before choosing my partner.
____ In choosing my partner, I believe it was best to love someone with a similar background.
____ A main consideration in choosing my partner was how he/she would reflect on my family.
____ An important factor in choosing my partner was whether or not he/she would be a good parent.
____ One consideration in choosing my partner was how he/she would reflect on my career.
____ Before getting very involved with my partner, I tried to figure out how compatible his/her hereditary background would be with mine in case we ever had children.
Love Style E:_____________________
____ When things are not right with my partner and me, my stomach gets upset.
____ If my partner and I broke up, I would get so depressed that I would even think of suicide.
____ Sometimes I get so excited about being in love with my partner that I cannot sleep.
____ When my partner does not pay attention to me, I feel sick all over.
____ Since I have been in love with my partner, I have had trouble concentrating on anything else.
____ I cannot relax if I suspect that partner is with someone else.
____ If my partner ignores me for a while, I sometimes do stupid things to try to get his/her attention back.
Love Style F:_____________________
____ I try to always help my partner though difficult times.
____ I would rather suffer myself than let my partner suffer.
____ I cannot be happy unless I place my partners happiness before my own.
____ I am usually willing to sacrifice my own wishes to let my partner achieve his/hers.
____ Whatever I own is my partners to use as he/she chooses.
____ When my partner gets angry with me, I still love him/ her fully and unconditionally.
____ I would endure all things for the sake of my partner.
Love Attitudes Scale retrieved from: http://iws.ccccd.edu/emcdonald/human sexuality/Handouts_to_download/Love Attitudes Scale-Chapter 7.htm on 10/04/05. C. Hendrick & S.S. Hendrick (1990). A relationship-specific version of the Love Attitude Scale, Journal of Social Behavior and Personality, 5, 239-254
The 6 Types
Eros
The Eros lover is characterized by passion, though a passion broader than just a physical one. The Eros lover tends to be drawn toward a preferred physical type, and thus there may be an immediate recognition or "aha" when meeting a potential love partner. This lover is intense and wants to be involved with a partner on all levels, becoming physically affectionate (and intimate), talking for hours, and learning all about the partner. The Eros lover is fully and openly "present," is self-confident and trusting, and balances intensity with an appropriate sense of boundaries.
Ludus
The Ludus lover, in contrast, is not interested in intensity, but rather experiences love as a game to be played for mutual enjoyment but not necessarily with any serious outcome in mind. Ludic lovers do not have a preferred physical type. Although ludic lovers may be in a partnered relationship with someone, ludic love is best played with several partners at a time, so that different people may be enjoyed for different qualities, in different activities, with no one person or relationship taking precedence over another. A ludic lover may hurt a partner inadvertently, but the goal is to enjoy relationships with a variety of people, with everyone having fun and no one getting hurt.
Storge
The Storge lover is someone who builds a love relationship on a strong base of friendship. The goal is:
A companionable, secure, trusting relationship with a partner who is similar in terms of attitudes and values. This similarity is much more important to Storge than physical appearance or sexual satisfaction because this orientation to love is more likely to seek long-term commitment rather than short-term excitement. (S. Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992, p. 65)
Pragma
The Pragma lover is all that the name implies, including practical and pragmatic. A Pragma lover may or may not have a preferred physical type, but he or she will surely have a virtual (or actual) shopping list of qualities sought in a partner. This type of lover may profit from working with a matchmaker or a computer dating service, in which inappropriate relationship candidates will be screened out. "The pragmatic lover isn't looking for great excitement and drama, but, rather, for a suitable partner with whom a satisfying, rewarding life can be built" (S. Hendrick & Hendrick, 1992, p. 66).
Mania
The Mania lover is also aptly characterized by the love style name, in that emotional highs and lows, as well as dependence, possessiveness, jealousy, and insecurity are typically present. A manic lover yearns for a love relationship but finds it elusive, because she or he seems compelled to push for commitment from a partner, does not really trust the commitment even if it is forthcoming, and is always afraid that the partner will find someone else. Another aspect of Mania is physical symptoms, such as difficulty eating or sleeping. Overall, the Mania lover always seems to be looking for the cloud around the silver lining.
Agape
The Agape lover is the rarest type of lover. Agape is characterized by altruism, such that the partner's welfare is more important than one's own welfare, and what one can give in a relationship is more important than what one gets. Indeed, Agape has much in common with compassionate love. The idealism of Agape means that there is no one preferred physical type in a partner, and indeed, sensuality and sexuality are likely to be much less important than more spiritual qualities. Although pure Agape is unlikely to exist on the physical plane of this world, agapic qualities are extremely important as relationships encounter inevitable ups and downs.
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